Bittersweet Reminiscences

“I’ve been working hard so long; seems like pain has been my only friend. My fragile heart’s been done so wrong. I wondered if I’d ever heal again.”

4:00 am. Bruno Mars woke me up with his song. I gotta get up for it’s a new day. It’s a new year with new classmates, new friends.. and most importantly, a new life.

Well, it’s like returning to my life before..

A life being single.. again.

—

I won’t get to see him this morning.. Basically because his class is in the afternoon. And that’s what’s sad. He transferred. I could’ve transferred too.. but there were reasons why I didn’t:

• My bestfriends and I were finally together in one class.
• Everything was easier in the morning for it’s all done in the afternoon. I’ll have more time to rest.
• My mother did not want me to.

• I thought that the reason why he wanted to transfer was he wanted to stay away from me so he could move on completely. But I was so wrong. He had a lot of other reasons for transferring. He told me. If I never thought of this, we could’ve been in the same session. He told me that this thought never even crossed his mind and that’s what’s driving me crazy.. If only I could turn back time..

—

The First Day of School

Well, we all know what happens during the first day of school, right? A welcome program, etc etc.. and of course the introduction.. as always. Okay, I’m kind of familiar with my class, or should I say, I am familiar with it already since they were classmates last year, and only 5 from our class got to belong to them this year. And 5(or less) from them got to belong to another section this year. So it’s like, we were the exchange.

Anyway, I know a lot of them already.. So it wasn’t that hard to get along.. But.. who would never miss the classmates who made you feel so alive? Sigh. If only I transferred…

—

Dismissal Time

I didn’t go home early! As usual. Well, it’s because I spent time with my former classmates whom I really really really love.. My ex-boyfriend’s my former classmate too. Umm ok, it was really really fun. More fun than it was in the morning.. Honestly. We were chatting, having fun.. etc. It was like, we never saw each other for years! I was really happy. But somehow, I’m still really sad.. since… a stranger, who became my boyfriend, is now a stranger again to me.. 

I was trying not to look sad or anything but they noticed.. I can’t keep a secret with my eyes.. I was trying to be strong and kept on saying…

“I won’t get affected with you anymore. I’m done with the drama…”

I was talking to my classmates when suddenly..

“Hey.. take care, okay?” my ex-boyfriend suddenly entered the scene and told me those words.. Staring into my eyes. He’s the only person I could talk to with having great eye contact. I can’t talk directly straight to the eyes every time. But it’s only with him that I could do that.. He was smiling a bit.. but I could see his sadness.. Idk.. All I know was that..

Everything was so magical..

I got lost inside his eyes..

LIKE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME WE’VE EVER MET.

“Umm.. yeah, you too..” I replied. I think I smiled. But I think I wasn’t able to. Idk. I think I looked like a dork. But I felt mixed emotions. I felt so sad with the loss.. but very happy at the same time for after a month or two, we got to talk again.

And that completely made my day. I smiled the whole time I was there, but suddenly gets that upside-down smile again every time I remember we broke up already.. But at least something like that during the first day of school happened. I was happy with that.

Well, we had to leave since their classes were gonna start. Some of my former classmates(who are my best friends too) in the morning session w/ me decided to eat at McDonald’s again like how our class used to at dismissal last school year. We reminisced and missed our class a lot.. We were like always 10 ppl eating together.. but now that we’ve had separate lives, we were only 4 that afternoon when we ate. We even roamed around the city and that was fun. Haha. Actually, dismissal was 11:30. We left the school before 1pm and went home at 3:30pm. Haha. Fun.

Even though I was happy, still I wouldn’t forget..

I thought I’d leave the past behind me, but I realized I can’t..

Breakdown – Feat Bones Thugs N Harmony – Mariah Carey

It has been quite a while since my boyfriend broke up with me. Yes, you can tell I am not miserable about it, since the way I act doesn’t seem much of a person in distress. Well? What can I do? He broke up with me. I gave everything to him. But he said it wasn’t enough. He said the relationship didn’t work out. Well what? I can’t even see him trying to make it work. He’s just so normal about the relationship. Fights come and go, and it seemed a big deal to him. Well it’s in his nature that he really doesn’t like fights, but simple arguments are considered great fights, to him.

—————

The Downhill

Honestly, I could throw out the worst of things about him— to him. But why would I? It’s not like I’m a warfreak or anything; it’s just that I value him the most, and yeah, some things are better left unsaid. I can never count the mistakes he did. I can always see something in him that I would dislike in a normal person. But I never threw it out to him, even though he did, threw all things like that to me.

It’s like, one single mistake from me, would be the end. He said he gave me a lot of chances, but I personally believe those chances are not like, “hey, you should give her another chance.” One concrete example, I was asking about his life, like “what are you doing?” “where are you going?” and the like. And he didn’t like it; he even called me a stalker. And that was such a big deal to him. He told me I wasn’t his diary. But.. okay.. nvm. I know you get it. It’s all like that. One single mistake from me, -chances. But I really really believe that what I did wasn’t that… bad. It was unintentional.. just something he didn’t like from me.. and that made him love me less.

I have tried to change for him, even though I know he should accept me for who I am. I changed for the better. I know I’ve changed, but really, one mistake that I really didn’t mean to do would make him unappreciative of all my efforts.

Makes him tell me that he’s already tired..

But.. tired of what? It’s not like he suffered a lot.. He said he was tired of understanding me. That he ran out of patience.. But he never knew that all of what happened—— are not enough for him to be tired.

Sad thing is, he didn’t consider the fact that I’ve been understanding him so much more than he was understanding me..

And I never grew tired.

————-

The Break-Up

I tried everything I could but I wasn’t able to stop him anymore. The first time he was breaking up with me, I was able to change his mind. It was like a month or two ago. He couldn’t break up with me because he loves me and he can’t do it. But this month, he seemed so decided. He told me that he got over the feeling that he loves me so there was no stopping for him.

I begged him. I tried everything. But he really wanted to go..

——————

Moving On

This man is not worthy. I could find a man who’d treat me right. Actually, there are already a few out there who’s making me feel loved like I’m so special to them. I’ve been noticing a few who has been making me feel so important nowadays. My boyfriend My ex-boyfriend can see that I`ve been doing fine. He could see the huge smile on my face.. He could see how happy I am.. And it’s not my fault if he’s miserable with what he’s seeing. And sometimes I can feel he’s still sad about it..

It’s not my loss.. it’s his. Heh, good luck with finding a girl who’d understand him.

———————-

The Ugly Truth

I’m so strong, aren’t I? But the truth is, above all that I’ve said earlier, that strong, moved-on me is not real. Yes, I can be happy, but the truth is… I am miserable. The truth is, even though there are lots of guys out there who’d treat and love me better than he did, I don’t want anybody else. I want him back. I just don’t want to show him I’m not okay. I don’t want to ruin his life. Yes, I don’t think he’s so much fine with it, but I don’t want to add to his burdens.. We still talk, and I could see that sadness in him. But I don’t know.. I have to show everyone I am okay. It’s not as easy as it looks.. I want him to see that I’m strong.. Well, I can’t breathe without him, but I have to..

—————-

And for now, all I can do is hold on to memories.. These bittersweet reminiscences that make me feel so alive.. Memories that I’ll forever cherish. No matter what happens.

But maybe someday, somehow, he’ll come back..

I know he’s not-so-Mr.Right, but no matter what he does, I’d still love him just the same. Or better yet, love him even more..

(c)heartfeltbliss